4 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I am an engineer—by training, by profession, by temperament, and as an identity. It’s core to who I am. Broadly speaking, engineers solve problems by applying logic, reasoning, and knowledge.
The incentives in the world all are biased towards the individual. People are paid for work completed, and those who do the best or most work generally get ahead. Being single with no commitments would, in principle, facilitate being more successful. If all you have in your life is work and more work, you should be able to accomplish more and be more successful.
From that perspective, marriage is a bad deal. You promise that you will sacrifice yourself for the sake of someone else, expecting little or nothing (of material value) in return. “In sickness and in health” sounds glorious when everyone is healthy. When poor health (or poverty, or worse) comes along, it would sure be convenient to treat the marriage like a business arrangement that can be painlessly terminated. Parenthood similarly asks for a tremendous investment of time and money, and a complete re-ordering of your life, with a huge amount of uncertainty.
I don’t really know how love works. Love defies logic and reason. Relationships aren’t problems that can be solved, but rather works of art that are created together. The value of marriage is that it forces the pair to seriously address the ugliness that can arise in any relationship, rather than abandon the beauty that remains.
Marriage is logical, but the love that undergirds it is not. That is, love is an irrational premise, but from that premise, marriage follows logically. Similarly, religion is logical. Every religion has rules, rituals, and ways of being that have a certain internal logic. This structure keeps a religious community together through the hard times, and keeps an individual engaged when God seems absent. Yet the Spirit that supports it all is beyond our understanding.
A common phrase these days that people use to describe themselves is, “spiritual but not religious.” What they really mean is that they accept the premise of God, but not the structures that (other people think) logically follow. I think this is like accepting the premise of love, but not marriage. Being in love, or believing in God, can only get you so far. Relationships, with other people or with God, require commitment, a promise to stay in the relationship when things get hard. It is when you go through those hard times, together, that you realize what matters most to you.
Program Notes
My apologies for this being a bit rough, but I wanted to get some thoughts out. I’ve had several interesting conversations this week that touch on love, commitment, community, and spirituality. I will almost certainly return to these themes again sometime.
I am preaching somewhat regularly now. I preach periodically in my home church, First Presbyterian Church of Rolla, when the installed pastor is traveling. I also preach about once a month at First Presbyterian Church of Cuba. I will continue to post my sermons, both written and recorded. Those sermons will typically be based on the lectionary or else on a topic given to me by someone else.
My intention is to also post blog posts like this on weeks when I don’t preach. Blog posts will generally cover other topics, separate from the lectionary, but related to something in my life.
In addition, I’ve been reading a lot (well, mostly listening to audiobooks while I run or drive) and will post a list of books that have impacted my life. As of this writing, I’m listening to The Second Mountain by David Brooks.